THE TRUTH

Since my first period, the only lullaby my ears fell asleep to were all the talks about being a virgin, getting married and pleasing my husband. Nothing else ever mattered to me because I laid my bed on that foundation.

I saw the emptiness that swallowed me whole when there was no boy to text, call, write poems about or imagine while I sing to all the romantic songs on my playlist. 

It is a sad and boring thing to have a life dependent on a relationship for happiness.

I do not seek to trample on the need for companionship, love and relationships. Humans were created with an insatiable desire for attention and love. It is expedient to not feel alone as a human, hence, the reason why we commune with others. It gives some sense of belonging and we all need that.

However, we do not need to be completely useless to ourselves or utterly devastated because no man or woman is available for midnight calls and mushy text messages.

Being alone is sometimes necessary for good cognitive health. Having a consciousness of self and developing the mind into a strong cord of positivity is important. It benches doubts and self-sabotage, which helps with making good decisions in life and being assertive about who you are and what you want out of life.

You have to love the heck out of yourself first before anyone else can.

Life doesn't exactly start or end with marital titles or the number of children a family gets to have or not. There is more to life.

Waiting to live life only as a married person is a tragedy.

There are places to visit, purposes to fulfil, money to make, lives to change and talents to explore. There is so much more in this breathing quaking space called life.

Please, with all the fibre and blood swimming in your body, live! Live life now.

Single and Searching

Bella knew it was time to go home but she waited a little more for someone, anyone at all, to make a move.

Then a male voice across the restaurant called out, "Hey girl!"

She froze and put on some hopeful smile before turning over to look at the caller.

He walked up slowly towards her direction smiling and walked right past her, hugging a lady sitting not too far from where she sat.

Bella choked on her saliva and coughed hard almost embarrassing herself. She felt really cold all of a sudden and goosebumps danced all over her skin.

Bella went home blue and battered. Echoes of her crying in her big room reverberated how lonely she felt at that moment.

Bella was 29 and single. It would have been a consolation if she probably just got out of a relationship or was crushing on someone.  But no, Bella had been single since her 25th birthday. 

She gave no care to relationships because of the experiences she had with men. It shut her mind totally off romantic relationships. All she did was work on her finances, career, and academic goals. 

Her 29th birthday came with several complaints than compliments from her family about marriage. She only realised how rusty she had become with socialising when she stepped out for a drink that evening.

Bella was lonely and it felt like all she had achieved while she was single meant nothing anymore.

Single, not cursed

There are lists of factors responsible for young adults of marriageable age being single. It is an extensive topic to buttress but I will water it down to two relatable reasons. We see dating sites doing the most and desperate women using diabolical means to get a man into marriage. But not everyone is desperate and bent on getting married. Either way, people get married or choose not to, for the wrong reasons.

We live in a society that recognizes marriage as a means to judge an individual's growth, influence, and 

status. Being single and satisfied is not enough, it is like living irresponsibly because marriage is believed to be a system that curtails a promiscuous lifestyle which brings me to my first point of why people choose to be single over getting married.

Fear of Commitment

"till death do us part" is a big deal because it carries the weight of so many expectations, commitments, and sacrifices not many of us are willing to fulfil. Instead of that, people choose to cohabit and move on when they get bored with continuing life with that same person. To them, "forever" is a long time to not try out new relationships. in some cases, the stress of resolving conflicts and letting go of ego or loving truly is not an option. the individuals involved are either not ready or mature enough to commit and be content with the decisions they make in choosing a partner.

Fear of not doing it right

it is not the idea of marriage that people are scared of but the possibility of having a broken home and subjecting their offspring to the trauma and trouble involved. so rather than get involved in the drama, they get into relationships that last only a couple of months or years without making it official. in a culture of distrust and divorce, the decision to get married becomes difficult.

How to know you are ready for a relationship

I cannot overemphasise the need for emotional and financial maturity. you do not need seven figures in your account before you get into a relationship but you should at least have something to sustain you. no matter how much a person claims to love you; when the bulk of finances is one-sided, it can be discouraging. especially if there is little or no effort from the other party to get something done. respect and reverence are thrown out the window and love follow.

Being emotionally mature explains the need for emotional intelligence with resolving and managing conflicts. it also involves being assertive about your personality and understanding how to communicate in different situations. The phase of being single is an opportunity to grow and develop yourself to be better. Love is a term people claim to know but fail to express properly because they do not realize that showing or giving love comes from knowing how to love yourself first. you cannot pour from an empty cup, also you cannot keep pouring all of you into an empty cup that doesn't ever get filled. 

To find a compatible partner, you have to be a compatible choice.  

THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME

I totally forgot how to smile in that moment. I wasn't sure how to carry my face. There was a lot of tension with fingers clinging tightly to my purse. I was in shock when my boyfriend introduced me to Dennis.

We called him "uncle Dennis"  back in primary school. He still had that smile that revealed his dark gum.

 "Hello dear," he said. That voice was like a bell in my head that brought back memories I never wanted ever again. I could feel his sinister presence all over again and instantly, my head began to ache. It took me years to bury that ugly scene with "Uncle Dennis" - where was amnesia when I needed it?

The bastard still smelt the same way but looked a lot different this time. He came off quite expensive and classy. To me, he would forever be the ugly sick pervert that molested the virgin memory of my infant body.

My boyfriend said Dennis was a friend of his brother who later became his friend. Sometimes, I wonder what this category of persons still do, sharing oxygen with the rest of us. Perhaps, life can only be lived when there is always something bad happening.

Things happened to me at the age of 9; "Uncle Dennis" happened to me. I thought time healed all wounds, I guess I was wrong all along because all the hairs on my skin yearned for a knife on his throat when he smiled.

The idiot! 

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It is not a lie when people say that almost every female child has experienced sexual molestation while growing up. It is quite frankly, a dangerous thing to live in a world filled with men, who think they have the right to touch females whenever and wherever they please.

You find these men on the bus, in church, at the mosque, on an ATM queue, at the market and in hell, burning from the crown sitting pretty on their unrepentant heads to their fractured toes (don't ask me if I have been to hell)

There was a time I was right at the edge of a bus, seated close to the door. The male passenger sitting close to me wanted to get off and was quite impatient about it. I had to get off so he could get off too. But when I was about alighting, this wicked fellow thought it was wise to use his hand to caress my butt, intentionally! I was livid and he got served a bowl of craze on that hot Tuesday morning.

This sick character amongst some men has long been in existence, unfortunately. It's a wonder why bad things find new ways to exist in this world. Truly, this world can never be my home.

FORGIVENESS AND HEARTBREAK

It was all butterflies from the beginning; money spent on airtime for phone calls in a month was enough to feed a family of three for 5 weeks. Nothing else mattered than my voice, laughter and the bond we shared.

We never really had enough time to spend together, physically, because I had strict parents; there always had to be a valid reason to step out of the house. I couldn't just wake up one morning, throw on some clothes and say "Dad, I am going out to see a man".

So, the few times we got to see each other was born out of the plenty of lies I had to tell my parents or the few hours I had left, after closing from work.

We had our struggles and great moments; we were in love and we worked on each other to be better versions of ourselves. My plan was to get a good-paying job and my own apartment so that I could be single and free from the 24/7 surveillance of my wonderful parents.

Fast forward to two years and a couple of months later in the relationship, Freddy got too comfortable and thought it was normal that we didn't speak for 3 - 4 days.

In fact, he didn't want to get married soon, anymore, cause he felt he wasn't ready all of a sudden. He stopped saying "I love you too", stopped talking about his day and spent more time pressing his phone whenever we got to meet face to face.

We decided to have "the conversation" about his attitude and consistent lack of interest in our relationship.

The thing is, I already built a future with Freddy in my head, so, I believed everything would be fine after talking about it. I believed love was supposed to be our superpower to make things right.

Freddy said and I quote: " I think we can't work out anymore. I need to work on myself because I don't know why I do the things I do. I don't like that I am not making you happy and I want the best for you. It's not you, it's me."

My world literally shattered into pieces. For weeks, I cried; I questioned my character, I felt I wasn't worthy of anyone and I was self-destructive and very heartbroken.

It’s been five months since the heartbreak. It wasn't exactly easy getting over it, but I got over it, eventually; after several intentional efforts and support from friends and family.

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Sometimes I wonder why people change from "love of my life" to "it's me, not you". There are good people and there are shitty people in relationships.

A lot of times, good people get to meet shitty people and these good people end up being better or worse versions of themselves after a breakup.

It's not exactly easy to forget even if you forgive, but what will holding on to that hurt help you achieve? With a little patience, God's grace and prayers, total forgiveness is possible.

Besides, no matter how we love someone, we can not force them into reciprocating the feeling. Letting them go is actually enough love and kindness you can show. So my darling, let them go!

Dealing with heartbreak is a necessary skill every human should acquire.

Have you ever been heartbroken?

If yes, how did you handle it?

Shooting Shots

"There is a guy on my street, he lives adjacent to my house and Our eyes have met unintentionally on four different occasions.

 He seems cool, collected, smart and interesting with his tinted Afro haircut and a slightly fair complexion.

You must wonder why I pay close attention to details, I am not jobless, I promise you. I am a poet and every little thing about him is poetry in my eyes. 

it's been a surprising coincidence that when I am out on my balcony or somewhere purchasing something from a store, that happens to be the exact time this cute-looking man would want to stretch, stand outside his compound or walk past me.

I want to talk to him, I really do.

Sometimes, I get all loud and dramatic so he notices me and probably initiates a conversation. But it has not happened and I am getting sick of it."

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Making the first move, as it deals with expressing your feelings for someone has always been known to be a 'guy thing', but the status quo has been challenged over the years. A lot of women proceed to make the first move at expressing their feelings.

However, the problem with this is that women find it hard to deal with rejection.

Every man once in his lifetime has experienced being rejected by a woman when they make advances and nothing seems wrong with that.

In fact, a lot of times, rejection for men is motivation to keep chasing and seeking the woman's attention.

Unfortunately, it is a different story for women because they feel like it's a big deal to actually make the first move. Some sort of privilege the man should embrace wholeheartedly whether he likes it or not.